I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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