i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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