Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
