she woke up with a sticky ear
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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