i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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