my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
