My liver just broke up with me...
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize