my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
