I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
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