my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
