whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
We left the knife in your bed.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
