I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
