I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
ok first of all what the fuck
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
