remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
