I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
