i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
