So drunk its hurt
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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