So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
