i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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