I want to walk on stilts...naked
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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