The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
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