for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
