On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize
