shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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