my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
