now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
