He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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