I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
This house was built for laser tag.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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