Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
