please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
