Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
