I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
