Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
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