It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
