True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
