If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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