i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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