just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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