My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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