im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
