I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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