We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
