how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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