Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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