I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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