Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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