So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
