I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Randomize
