I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
