This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
