When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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