Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
