Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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