there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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