if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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