Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
