nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
