Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize