Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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