it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
